Pills

1. 2. 3. 4.
With the cold water rushing down my throat
The pain to much its finally come to this.

5. 6. 7.
How many will it take to get these feelings to go away.

8. 9. 10.
My cheeks burn with tears rushing slowly down them.

11. 12. 13. 14. 15.
Still no change.
My rib cage cracks with every breath.

16. 17. 18.
I can't take this waiting.

Loosing count, I swallow as many as I can get down.

I wait...and wait until it finally comes.

The numbness rushes over my whole body.

I slip into a slow, motionless sleep.

All my feelings and emotions fade away.

Further and further away from everything around, I sleep.

"It's over," I think to myself until my alarm goes off and the sun peeks through my window.

I cry...

HAT

Its as simple as that, a hat.
Just like the one with the cat.
However, this one is different.
No magic, no fun,
no things not a single one.
A hat, its as simple as that.

I'm a Writer...

I’m a writer. However, I’m a terrible writer. I sit in class and look around at all these creative, intelligent, grammatically correct writers who have so much more potential than I. I write thoughts that turn into sentences which turn into paragraphs, but unfortunately that is where they end. I see students write 50,000 words easily where as I can barely write 50. My stories are all the same as they depict a broken girl who has no hope left for herself. I can not steer away from this platform. I’m a writer….a terrible writer.

- The Life of a Writer

Simple

It’s as simple as a sentence...

“I don’t love you.”

Four words can make your whole world fall apart.

Shatter all your hopes and dreams.

Leave you numb as tears burn your cheeks as you repeat those words to yourself.

"I

don’t

love

you."

You’re a hallow shell of yourself.

The way they made you feel is gone forever.

Every moment together is now and forever will be considered a memory.

You’ve lost your other half.

It’s as simple as that...

Warning Label

Prologue

A letter to the reader:

Dear Reader,

I’m sorry that you picked up this book. The back page is very misleading and you will soon find out why. This isn’t a book, its a diary of myself, my life, and pretty much just me complaining about how I find it so miserable. However, please, I beg of you DO NOT feel sorry for me. I deserve every word of what has happened to me and I regret it all yes but I know that it is the life I was given and there is no changing it.

This diary, that you are about to embark on, covers my four years in high school and all that goes on through them. However, before you begin to read this, even through I warn you it will bring nothing to your life if you do, you should probably know a little more about me. My name is Holly Grace Morgan, yes my parents suck and gave me three first names. I’m 14 and will be starting at Kentucky Oaks high school tomorrow. I have a brother who is a junior at the high school and a total idiot (this isn’t an understatement he’s actually quite idiotic). He’s a big shot baseball player and gets practically everything er wants, when he wants it. My parents worship his. 

Speaking of which, my parents. Well there isn’t much to say. They are married, but not happy. We have money, to much if I had to say so myself and they work. I have barely seen either of them in the last year. Most of our time spent together is on our way to their work events or the annual Christmas party they host. Anyway, getting back on topic; there it is, my life as I currently know it. I’ll check in as often as I can and I will warn you one last time…PLEASE PUT THIS DOWN AND WALK AWAY!!!

My deepest apologies,

The Author

Junior Year

August 18th, 2015

Welcome back. I’m honestly surprised that you’ve made it this far. Well I didn’t write over summer because well you know its summer not much happens like every year. I went vacationing with my Aunt Bridgett, she took me to California. We did all the usual touristy stuff, Disneyland, Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Venice and Santa Monica, and when we were done we just laid on the beach until we were red. It was surprisingly nice to get away from everyone and everything. Dad and Carolina separated, but what dad doesn’t know is that her and Max continue to see each other while he is away on business.  It’s gross but I put up with it because when he moves out so does she! 

School starts tomorrow and I’m quite excited to see everyone again. Gillian and Kathleen are meeting me for our traditional first day of school breakfast at Cherries Coffee Hut and we will meet up with the guys after that. I’ve miss Tyler so much since school got out. We decided no immediate communication would make for a little more romance between us this summer so wherever we went we sent postcard to each other. He did a Euro trip with his brother so I got an abundance of letters from Paris, London, Italy, but my favorite was from a little town called Bled in Slovenia. It was a scene of a lake that seemed to stretch for miles that read:

“My darling, 

A place like this can only be as beautiful as the stars if 

my whole world were here to see them with me. X.”

December 20th, 2015

I just laid there…

How could I just lay there motionless? I didn’t make a sound or fight back I was as still as a rock… It was as if I were dead. How could I not fight back? 

The way he pressed hard against my bare skin and draped his cold fingers across my mouth to muffle the sounds that weren’t escaping my lips. His bare chest sticking to mine from the sweat that built between our naked bodies. What’s wrong with me? I let it happen. It’s all my fault. I asked for him to come onto me even though I knew I was with Tyler… Oh god Tyler… What am I suppose to tell him? 

I keep going back to the boy. How he smelt like alcohol and he kept slurring his words telling me to stay still, and I listened…I did exactly as he instructed me to. With every thrust my body became more foreign. When it was over he just left. I sat there still not making a sound or moving. I was a hollow shell of the girl that walked into that party. He invaded me and then stole all that I was…

I’m empty…and it’s all my fault…

So as you can tell this isn't the full story. I decided to start writing Holly's junior year and then make the connections based off of that. I hope this didn't confuse you to terribly much but its what I've got. 

Here is how I'm planning on outlining the rest of the story:

OUTLINE

Freshman year:

• parents get divorce
• getting use to new school
• Dealing with the divorce

Sophomore year:

• dad gets remarried
• evil step mom has affair with brother
• new boy friend

Junior year:

• pregnant/raped
• dealing with the schools reaction 
• relationship with mom

Senior year:

• depression
• no friends
• hating her baby

Epilogue - mom’s letter to the reader

Broken

It was in that moment when I realized it was over. I looked at you and the life had been drained from you chiseled face from a restless night. I walked up to you and you couldn’t keep eye contact. It was like staring at a ghost of the boy that once loved me. As the moments passed in silence you finally said those few simple words.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

That was it. We were done. As I walked away from you not only was I leaving you behind but I was leaving a huge part of myself in the past that I had given to you.

I lost my best friend. I lost the love of my life. 

With tears staining my cheeks I looked back only once to make sure you were feeling the same pain that I felt. I wanted to see the look on your face as you watching the parts of you, you gave to me walk away from you forever.

- excerpt of the way I actually feel

Puzzle

It is in these moments which i realize

Realize that this is my life

Life of pain and suffering

A constant battle between what i want and what i need

What i need to forget and what i was to know.

Knowing all that i do and still feeling totally lost is this big world,

It is in these moments which i realize 

Realize that i am just one piece to a very large puzzle

The puzzle of life which has yet to be lived.

Living isn't about experiences any more its about getting things done,

things that have no meaning

Things that i have to get done not want to get done

Things that come with that big puzzle we call life.

It is in  these moments which i realize

Realize that i question my own wants and desires

Desires to be someone great 

Great enough to make a difference

A difference that will change the way i see my life.

It is in these moments which i realize 

Realize that i am just one  piece to a very large puzzle.

MAD

I didn’t think I knew

that all this time had gone by 

it past so quickly and i never noticed

I'm not sure how I feel about it

I do know though

I know that I’m angry

I have been for some time now

how much time I don't know 

as I have felt like this for so long 

but maybe it hasn't been as long as i thought

now that I know though

its not as bad 

feeling angry doesn't hurt as much as it did

time went by and I just wanted it to stop

to slow down so I could have more time to figure it out

I didn't know how long I had wanted it

to slow down 

to speed up 

to feel happy again and let it all out

I just wanted it to stop.

Experiment #4

Pitter Patter

June 13th, 2009

Today everything changed. I thought it was going to be a perfect, warm and sunny day but who knew that a cloud would hang over my head from this day on.

*~*~*

“Somebody help me! Please anyone! Help!” 

I continued to scream as i ran down the street headed straight for the hospital. How could this happen? The doctors said we had years with him left and here he is lying here motionless in the stroller. 

All i could think about is how i didn’t even want him in my life 13 months ago. I hated even the idea of him and now he has become my world. What would my parents think? Are they going to blame me for this? I  only took my eyes off of him for a minute.

“Help me please!” I scream a last time as I approached the hospital doors and nurses came flying to my side. 

I was asked what happened and could barely stutter a complete sentence out. My body had gone into shock.

The nurses and doctors carried my brother away as I sunk to the ground in fear they might not be able to do anything to help him. 

My parents arrived only minutes after they took Ethan away and we weren’t getting any answers. They kept asking me what happened and all I could say was, “He wasn’t breathing so I ran. I ran as fast as I could but I wasn’t fast enough, I’m sorry....I'm so sorry.” 

W.I.P.

Description of a Boy

His biggest wish if for a writer to write about him.
To write about how his eyes light up when he smiles or the way his laugh is low but only comes around when he truly thinks something is funny.
He might be shy and awkward but that's what makes you wonder if you're not good enough.
This is what makes you so much more intrigued.
He doesn't let you in because he's been hurt too many times.
All he is looking for in life is happiness.
He wants joy and light, love and someone to care for him the way he cares for each individual he knows.
He only has one flaw.
He picks away at himself till he can't find any light in the dark but his strength and persistence push him forward.
There is a part of him that knows he will be okay despite what the world or his mind have told him.
This is his triumph.
This is the thing that makes him seem so tall, despite his actual height.
Not only are his emotional qualities amazing but the perks of his physical appearance only heighten the appeal.
His eyes are his best feature.
He thinks they're just brown like every other pair of brown eyes but what he misses is what everyone else sees.
They see the crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he smiles or how in the sun its as if they turn into pools of endless Carmel swirling around and constantly changing hues when the light shirts.
Or how his hands are so strong they feel like they could hold the entire universe in them and not waver.
However, when he touches you it's like you've never felt anything softer.
He's gentle and careful as to make sure he doesn't make any wrong moves.
With every touch he makes he's searching your eyes to make sure you're okay.
When he holds you it feels as if nothing could hurt you.
His arms create a strong barrier and you feel safe and calm.
His hair is so soft as you run your fingers through it, until he thinks you're ruining its perfect look.

A writer could go on and on about him with their words but they could never amount to emotions that are felt when they are truly uncovering the real him.

-Excerpt of they way I actually feel

Possibilities


It's the way your heart skips when he walks unto a room.
Or the way his scent fills your lungs as he walks by.
It's the little things about him that keep you up till dawn.
You cry yourself to sleep at night because he's so far away but you can feel him as if he were a ghost laying right next to you in bed.
He's the boy who you can't imagine your life without.
Whether you've known him your whole life or only for a day.
It's him.
It's the way his eyes light up when he laughs or how his smile grows as he sees her.
The girl that is not you.
The one with the perfect hair.
The girl who has everything you want because she simple has him.
He's you world.
He consumes you.
Fills you up till you feel as though you could burst.
He makes anything feel possible.
But what's impossible is for you to be his.
Because he is hers and hers alone.
You can only watch from a distance dreaming of the possibilities.
That one day you will be her to him.
But that is merely a possibility.

-Excerpt of the way I actually feel